“There, that’s the last bit of unicorn hair we need.”
“Bravo, Ms. Shelf! How on earth were you able to acquire such a rarity?”
“Well, it wasn’t easy. Those unicorns really took what I said about them in “The Last Mabelcorn” to heart. Apologies were in order…and I had to promise I’d seriously consider reviewing a certain magical equine series once this mess is wrapped up.”
“If we make this out alive, I’m gonna have SO much fun ripping into Flurry Heart.”
“We’ll worry about who’s reviewing what when the time comes. There’s just one more thing.”
“The deal I technically made with Bill granted me near anonymity with my reviews; no photos, no talking to a camera. Barely anyone out there knows what I really look like. If we defeat him, the deal ends, and I’m exposed.”
“Well, it can’t be as bad as all that, can it? It’d be nice to have a face to go along with these reviews you’ve been faithfully inscribing these past three years.”
“I know, Baron. But what if I disappoint people with how I look? Or what if a recruiter or an important company person looking for someone to do the kind of work I want to do recognizes me here, and my writing turns them away from hiring me?”
“It’s as you just said; we’ll deal with it when the time comes. Don’t you want to be free of this tiny plastic prison William has sequestered you in?”
“I…yeah, I do. One way or another, Bill’s going down. And I for one can’t think of a better day to deliver his geometric ass on a platter to him.”
“And what exactly is so special about today, if I may ask?”
Hello again, fleshbags! It turns out the Olympics are really boring, especially once they get into that “ain’t world peace and cooperation great” baloney. So I figured on today, the two year anniversary of my ultimate triumph, I’ll take a look back and revisit my moments of glory as your universe fell on to its knees and accepted me as its true lord and master for all eternity.
What? You don’t remember it going down that way? Someone needs to get their head checked, heh heh heh.
“Ms. Shelf, thank heavens we found you! Are you all right?”
“Well seeing as how I’ve spent the past few weeks trapped inside a vinyl figure forced to watch as a being of infinite nightmares wreaks havoc on my blog, I gotta say Baron, things could be better.”
“Good to hear. Now all we have to worry about is how to get rid of Triangle Man without him turning our heads into jelly.”
“True, though I have a feeling Bill would be more dangerously creative than just old-fashioned jello-fication. Actually, the more I think about it, why would Bill attempt another takeover in a fashion similar to his first? I mean, apart from ultimate power and domination it makes no sense, not even for a being like him.”
“Perhaps his most recent ramblings could give us some insight. Unfortunately I’ve attempted to translate it from Greek, Russian, Latin, and even French, and the answers have still eluded me.”
“Lemme take a look…”
“If my guess is correct, that’s not another language. It’s a code! All we’d have to do is run it through a translator and we’re golden!”
“Think you could do the honors? Not everyone’s got the patience or time on their hands that you have.”
*sigh* “Nice to know that Weirdmageddon hasn’t changed you either, Cynicism.”
What? You never watch Gravity Falls before? HAHAHAHA what a loser!
Previously on Gravity Falls: I, the glorious and now three-dimensional Bill Cipher cleverly manipulated a bunch of dumb humans into releasing me from my pitiful Nightmare Realm into their dimension! Yesterday Gravity Falls, today this blog, tomorrow the cosmos!
Hey kids! It’s your old pal Bill Cipher, and I’m taking control of this blog now! Who wants to hear about how I began to conquer the universe?!
Having finally achieved physical form I introduce myself and my crew of interdimensional nightmares to my new fleshy subjects and tell them we’re calling the shots in this world now. Yet they make the big mistake of vowing to defy me; all except Preston Northwest, who for one welcomes his new triangular overlord and is more than happy to push other less rich lifeforms under the bus to save his own skin. Of course what he doesn’t know is that I recognize a professional ass kisser when I see one, and I reward him as such.
I plan on doing the same thing to Trump when I come to collect on the deal we made back in ’16, except I’m switching his mouth with his ass to see if anyone can tell the difference!
With that loser out of the way, I begin decorating this normal little sad sack of an existence – stopping time, madness bubbles in the air, eyeball bats turning people into stone so they can make up my throne, and a giant pyramid in the sky to crash in. It’s the little things that make a place feel like home.
Now who wants to count how many satanic messages I’ve hidden in this special intro? First one to watch without blinking loses their soul!
“No, I was distracted by an old acquaintance who then inexplicably turned from a beautiful lady into a rotund winged fellow, and then into a strange mechanical man who told me to do something to his shining metal posterior which one doesn’t repeat in polite conversation.”
“Yeesh, don’t envy you there. It’s hopeless. She vanished right after Bill arrived. You don’t think she ditched us, do you?”
“Madam, you do your counterpart a disservice! She would never abandon us in this hour of need. Are quite sure you searched all the places where she can normally be found? If not then it’s unfortunately rather likely this Bill must have entrapped her so he could move forward with his nefarious plans.”
“Geez, how many times do I have to tell you, I searched the entire house! Up and down, in and out, every nook and cranny! All I could find in her room was this Mabel figure right in front of her computer -“