“Ms. Shelf, thank heavens we found you! Are you all right?”
“Well seeing as how I’ve spent the past few weeks trapped inside a vinyl figure forced to watch as a being of infinite nightmares wreaks havoc on my blog, I gotta say Baron, things could be better.”
“Good to hear. Now all we have to worry about is how to get rid of Triangle Man without him turning our heads into jelly.”
“True, though I have a feeling Bill would be more dangerously creative than just old-fashioned jello-fication. Actually, the more I think about it, why would Bill attempt another takeover in a fashion similar to his first? I mean, apart from ultimate power and domination it makes no sense, not even for a being like him.”
“Perhaps his most recent ramblings could give us some insight. Unfortunately I’ve attempted to translate it from Greek, Russian, Latin, and even French, and the answers have still eluded me.”
“Lemme take a look…”
“If my guess is correct, that’s not another language. It’s a code! All we’d have to do is run it through a translator and we’re golden!”
“Think you could do the honors? Not everyone’s got the patience or time on their hands that you have.”
*sigh* “Nice to know that Weirdmageddon hasn’t changed you either, Cynicism.”
What? You never watch Gravity Falls before? HAHAHAHA what a loser!
Previously on Gravity Falls: I, the glorious and now three-dimensional Bill Cipher cleverly manipulated a bunch of dumb humans into releasing me from my pitiful Nightmare Realm into their dimension! Yesterday Gravity Falls, today this blog, tomorrow the cosmos!
Hey kids! It’s your old pal Bill Cipher, and I’m taking control of this blog now! Who wants to hear about how I began to conquer the universe?!
Having finally achieved physical form I introduce myself and my crew of interdimensional nightmares to my new fleshy subjects and tell them we’re calling the shots in this world now. Yet they make the big mistake of vowing to defy me; all except Preston Northwest, who for one welcomes his new triangular overlord and is more than happy to push other less rich lifeforms under the bus to save his own skin. Of course what he doesn’t know is that I recognize a professional ass kisser when I see one, and I reward him as such.
I plan on doing the same thing to Trump when I come to collect on the deal we made back in ’16, except I’m switching his mouth with his ass to see if anyone can tell the difference!
With that loser out of the way, I begin decorating this normal little sad sack of an existence – stopping time, madness bubbles in the air, eyeball bats turning people into stone so they can make up my throne, and a giant pyramid in the sky to crash in. It’s the little things that make a place feel like home.
Now who wants to count how many satanic messages I’ve hidden in this special intro? First one to watch without blinking loses their soul!
You’re probably wondering about Fordsy and Pine Tree right about now, aren’t cha? Not to worry, they think they’ve got a plan to topple me. Of course Ford in his infinite sibling-hating wisdom they can do it and look for Mabel later. Ha! The guy never learns! He throws away his shot when he misses and almost ruins my nice new hat. Because I’m in a generous mood and he’s the one who built the portal in the first place, I make my standard offer of power and fame if he joins us (he’s got six fingers so he’ll fit right in with the rest of us freakish abominations!), but once again he turns me down. And here I thought he thought he was a genius. So I turn him into a gold backscratcher. What? Humans love gold! Doesn’t your president decorate his towers and bathe himself in it or something?
As for Pine Tree, well, he can’t find an answer to beat me in those brilliant Journals of his, but he responds by trying to punch me in the eye anyway! What a trooper! So I trade one sick burn for another.
Phew, goodbye Journals! You wouldn’t believe the number of embarrassing things Ford wrote about me in there! Almost as bad as Pine Tree/Shooting Star fanfiction! Aww, what’s the matter, sad that your favorite magical booky-wook is all gone now? Here, have my personal favorite reading list!
- The Forbidden Scrolls of the Elder Civilization of XIGHOPNXSUNIAZ
- The Book of Revelations
- Behold a Pale Horse
- The Necronomicon
- The Art of the Deal
Cipher chosen, Chthulu approved!
I APPROVE.
Since I left my copy of The Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord back in my nightmare realm, I dispatch two of my goons to eat Pine Tree instead of killing him myself back there. Whoops! He escapes them and hides out in the mall where he meets Wendy, who’s gone into apocalypse survival mode. The eyeballs froze her friends but she escaped and is waiting out the end of the world with Toby Determined.
Oops, “Bodacious T”. Weirdmageddon really does bring out the crazy in everyone.
Meanwhile my Fear-amid party gets crashed by my favorite people, the Time Police, and their leader Time Baby, the last of a race of all-powerful time giants that I may or may not have been responsible for the extinction of. Sheesh, some people just can’t let go of a grudge. Blendin Blandin led them there after I stopped possessing him and he’s upset that I took over his body without his consent (in my defense, he shouldn’t dress so provocatively.) Time Baby’s all “If you keep spreading your chaos you threaten the very fabric of existence” and I respond by blasting him and a shit load of cops into nothing with a zap of my finger.
In order to get this on the Disney Channel I had to make a deal with a pitiful executive who wanted Descendants greenlit. Fuck it, it was worth it!
Wendy and Pine Tree take in their surroundings and resolve to find and rescue Mabel, whom I’ve trapped in a giant bubble on the outskirts of town. So they raid the local abandoned auto mart for some wheels but get surrounded by the local Mad Max brigade, the underlings to my new underling.
Yep, Lil’ Gideon’s back for revenge! In exchange for me setting him free from prison when Weirdmageddon hit, the white haired hate-filled little miscreant enforces my tyranny on whomever’s left to subjugate; he’s my Mike Pence, if you will. I also gave him the honor of holding the key to Mabel’s bubble, something to keep him happy and out of my hair since he wants her so much. He’s ready to haul Pine Tree and Wendy back to my Fear-amid so I can punish them. But Wendy breaks Ghost-Eye’s arm, holds Gideon hostage while she snatches the key and a car, and dropkicks him into his prison minions like a motherfucking warrior queen.
Okay, I am a trillion year old interdimensional being who knows no love nor wants to, but DAMN I would throw everything aside to be with her right then and there.
Gideon and his goons give chase throughout the wasteland because what kind of apocalypse would it be if we didn’t have outlandishly dressed warriors racing out on the road? A dull as hell one, I tell you. Wendy, Pine Tree, Gideon and Ghost Eyes are forced to drive through madness bubbles which change their appearance to birds, anime characters, luncheon meat creatures, and the worst things of all – pinkish freaks with no overbite, tiny eyes, and hands whose finger count don’t switch between four and five depending on the animator!
THE HORROR!!
They make it over a jump but crash the car. Then they find Soos, who has been looking for them while most likely surviving off his infinite pizza supply. He also established himself as a folk hero helping people out and having songs written about him. If I knew a thing or two about music I’d sing one right now, but I’d rather sing about my madness and destruction in Weirdmageddon.
By the way, do you want to know what happened to the exec who decided to cut that number from the episode? Listen carefully at night before you go to sleep.
Just as your eyelids are closing, you’ll hear something far away, something faint.
Is it a scratching?
A whispering?
A scream?
You’ll strain to hear it as the night grows darker.
Sure enough, it grows louder.
It inches closer, gasping.
Screeching.
You grasp your blanket to pull it over your head, but too late.
It’s right next to you.
And that sound will be all you’ll ever hear again.
Anyway, Gideon and his gang catch up and surround them. Gideon summons my eye-bats to snatch Pine Tree and Wendy and takes the opportunity to gloat about Mabel being his forever in the meantime. Pine Tree questions if keeping her entrapped in a giant bubble really does make her his, which plants some doubt in Gideon’s mind. Pine Tree’s learned a thing or two about trying to get someone to love you though, and shares it with Gideon; namely that trying to be the best person you can be for the object of your affection will work wonders as opposed to force, especially if that means standing up to the benevolent overlord who made him warden of the wasteland instead of forcing him to dance in a cute little sailor outfit for all eternity. Gideon’s not sure, but Pine Tree asks him what he thinks Mabel would want him to do. Gideon looks over an old newspaper clipping of them on one of their forced dates back from the beginning of the summer; he’s as happy as a rithgon from Dimension $1@%& bathing in the blood of his enemies, but she’s clearly miserable. Quietly, he asks Pine Tree if he’ll tell Mabel what he did for her. Does this change of heart come from outta nowhere? Kind of. Would it have worked better if they had more time throughout the series to flesh out the possibility of Gideon betraying me? Definitely, but to be fair there have been much worse heel-face-turns done in a nanosecond for the sake of plot convenience.
Much, much worse.
Gideon and his friends speed off to the Fear-amid to challenge my might, allowing Pine Tree, Wendy and Soos to unlock the bubble and walk inside to look for Shooting Star.
And that’s the first part of Weirdmageddon, but boy are things gonna get crazier from there, just you wait!
And the Internet Went:
End Credits Craziness: The Horrifying Sweaty One-Armed Monstrosity trying to convince anyone still around to get in his mouth. Wanna help him out? He’s totally not gonna eat you, I swear.
Callbacks: I call Pine Tree my old puppet when we meet face to face again, a nice little nod to the time his body became my puppet in “Sock Opera”. Chutzpar the Manotaur from “Dipper vs. Manliness” and the Snake-Badger from “The Love God” come running out of the woods when my reign of terror commences. Rumble McSkirmish escapes from Gravity Falls’ arcade when the madness hits. The pterodactyl from “The Land Before Swine” is seen perched on the roof of the mall. Animatronic parts from Hoo-Ha Owl’s Jamboree are strewn about the mall. The water tower still has a hole from the security pod Pine Tree took for a joyride in the past episode.
Crowning Line of Hilawesomeness: EVERYTHING I THE MAGNIFICENT BILL CIPHER SAYS IS PURE GOLD!!!
Mabel SWatch (Sweater Watch): Mabel’s not even in this episode you nimrods! I have to admit though, I kinda want to see what her custom Weirdmageddon sweater would look like.
Dear Princess Celestabelleabethabelle: I’ve reconnected with an old friend of yours in the Tartaurus dimension, I believe you know him, goes by Tirek? Giant goat-centaur thing, sucks magic from equine souls? Expect to see him in your neck of the woods soon, heh heh heh…
Where’s that wacky triangle at?
“Right here, you two-eyed bits of meat!”
Don’t expect Weirdmageddon Part 2 up anytime soon, folks! I’m too busy enjoying every moment of control I have over this place. It’ll be much different from when I took over Gravity Falls…
Much, much different…
In the meantime, stock up on gold and dog food, and if you want me to show up in your dreams tonight, stare in a mirror with one eye open, chant my name three times and pledge your soul to my cause!
Never forget, I’M WATCHING.
NEVER FORGET.
NEVER. FORGET.
NEVER.
FORGET.
ME.
Up On The Shelf 
Oh my god, this was a lot of fun. It being reviewed in Bill’s POV, was incredibly hilarious and fun. Still hope, you get back on track.
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