Happy 2020, everybody! While this past decade has been…interesting, I’m looking forward the new Roaring ’20s. Yessir, it’s gonna be nothing but speakeasies, gangsters, and lindy hops from here on out.
…What? What do you mean it’s not THOSE 20s?! Did I mastermind a hostile takeover of Chicago’s west side for nothing??
Anyway, as much as I would have loved to have the review of Fantasia 2000 up on today, its 20th anniversary, post-holiday malaise plus pre-SCBWI conference preparations means I’ll have to put a hold on that for a while. I will say this: the review following that one will be another Patreon request courtesy of Amelia Jones, and it’s yet another Disney classic I can’t wait to talk about.
Speaking of anniversaries, this year Up On The Shelf is turning five. Ah, seems like only yesterday I was figuring out how to make screencaps with captions. I’m honestly moved people have been following me and encouraging me to write for so long. I have a few ideas of how to mark the occasion that I’m keeping close to my chest for now. Just stick around, the best is yet to come in 2020.
And hey, you know what else around here involves a 20? That’s right, my Patreon! It’s gotten a pretty big boost this past year thanks to the generous support of my patrons. Amelia, Gordhan, Sam, you guys rock. I just need $20 before I can hit my goal of doing weekly tv series reviews. I’ve already got a bunch of fun shows picked that I’d love to talk about, but I can’t do it without your help. Any good word of mouth would be much appreciated. And as always, patrons get fun perks like extra votes, requests, and sneak peeks.
I was going to end this here, but I did want to post something a bit meatier than the usual “bye old year/hi new year” that circulates the internet these 48 hours. So, just for ships and giggles, I came up with this. I think I’d like to make it a new New Years’ tradition here on the blog:
Ladies and gentlemen and peoples of the non-binary persuasion, I give you, The Plot of Every Movie I’ve Reviewed So Far…EXPLAINED POORLY.
The Secret of Kells: Irish kid sneaks out to learn illustration while his uncle learns too late that he never should have listened to Trump.
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen: Boomer demonizes Muslims and science, dismantles government with help from other boomers.
Wreck-It Ralph: Pariah learns that Status Quo Is God unless you’re Sarah Silverman.
The Nightmare Before Christmas: Town hero learns that Status Quo Is God, but gets some good musical numbers in first.
Rise of the Guardians: A dead boy intervenes in a crisis of faith.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: A hover car whisks a family to a third-world country where kidnapping rates are through the roof.
Beauty and the Beast: Bookworm meets hairy shut-in, romance ensues.
Darby O’Gill and the Little People: A royal kidnapping leads to double-crossing and death.
The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad: A horse enables a reckless rich layabout in one story while a love triangle leads to supernatural death in another.
Spirited Away: A girl is forced into child labor after her parents become capitalist pigs.
The Sound of Music: A nun upsets a royal naval officer’s household and must flee the country.
Zootopia: 48 Hours meets Crash, for furries.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: Boy must endure decadence-based survival tests in order to better his family’s status.
The Adventures of Robin Hood: Nobleman undermines authority by stealing from the government and causing an uprising.
The Wizard of Oz: Girl survives dangerous accidental trip across the border, must commit political assassination in order to return home.
Peter Pan: Girl learns the upside in privacy after running away to become mother to a bunch of orphan boys.
Singing in the Rain: Actor sees chorus girl behind his co-star’s back while his best friend snarks over everything.
Clash of the Titans: Privileged daddy’s boy must decapitate a rape victim and kill the only creature of its kind in order to sleep with his wife.
Much Ado About Nothing: John Wick causes some easily-clarified misunderstandings among Hogwarts professors.
Moana: A woman must undo a man’s mistakes after his drive for selfish glory has cataclysmic consequences. What else is new?
The Prince of Egypt: Two brothers are divided over politics, religion, and daddy issues.
Muppet Treasure Island: A boy is torn between his friendship with his puppets and his new Tim Curry daddy.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone: A child abuse victim is sent to a school for the gifted and faces a former dictator.
Fun and Fancy Free: An outsider learns ethically questionable courtship rituals while extreme poverty drives some corporate mascots to raid a home.
Pippi Longstocking: An unsupervised child skips school and fends off burglars through dance.
An American Tail: An illegal immigrant causes the downfall of the manipulative ruling class and befriends Dom DeLuise’s fursona.
The Music Man: A con artist tricks an entire town, everyone loves him anyway.
The Black Cauldron: An instant zombie-maker is destroyed by a living hairball.
A Night at the Opera: Amateurs and hecklers interfere with a high-class stage production, walk away unpunished.
The Nutcracker Prince: Christmastime puberty ends with dead dolls and a dead mouse.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: A girl escapes a political assassination attempt and hides out in the service industry with a family of miners.
Pinocchio: Man creates life, must deal with consequences.
Fantasia: Mickey Mouse becomes lord and master of all he surveys in an eerily prophetic role (oh, and there’s some dinosaurs, flowers, demons and other stuff).
Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure: Two slackers mess with the space-time continuum in order to bring history to their preferred outcome.
March of the Wooden Soldiers/Babes in Toyland: Two idiot savants build a mechanical army that alternately wrecks/saves their town.
Shrek: A monster ruins a royal wedding and gets the bride to marry him instead.
School of Rock: An ex-musician commits fraud in order to show up his former band mates.
Coraline: A lonely, secretive spinster tries to prove that she would be a great parent to a neglected girl.
Return To Oz: A girl becomes a pawn in a hostile takeover of a foreign country after she escapes shock therapy for her depression.
And that’s all I’ve got for now. Let me know what you think and feel free to share a bad description your favorite movie in the comments! I hope your 2020 gets off to a great start and keeps going strong. I’ll see you soon with the review of Fantasia 2000!