To The Pain

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chris sarandon, coronavirus, covid-19, drumpf, fight racism, fuck trump, humperdinck, humperdink, i couldn't resist, infected, justice, karma, let him suffer, pain, parody, positive, princess bride, quarantine, rob reiner, symptoms, the princess bride, to the pain, trump, trumperdinck, virus, westley, william goldman

“So, China virus -“

“I’m not Chinese, you racist, vomitous mass.”

“My experts say we’ll have a vaccine for you by the end of the year! To the death!”

“No. To the pain.”

“…I don’t think I’m familiar with that phrase.”

“I’ll explain, and I’ll use small words you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon”.

“That may be the first time in my life someone’s dared to insult me.”

“Then you haven’t been paying attention these past four years.”

“To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your sense of taste and smell. Then the aches creep in all over. Next an increasing fever alternating with chills.”

“And then I rinse and spit you out with some bleach. My advisors said telling the public that was a mistake but listening to them is a mistake I won’t duplicate tonight.”

“I wasn’t finished. Then comes the feeling of acute pneumonia. The next thing you lose will be the ability to breathe without a respirator.”

“And then I go blind and deaf, right? Let’s get on with it!”

“WRONG! Your eyes and ears you keep and I’ll tell you why – “

“So that every hacking cough and wheeze that erupts from your chest and slowly brings you closer to the same death you condemned 200,000 people to will be yours to cherish. Every former supporter who escapes your thrall, every person calling for your arrest, every human being victimized by your weaponized racism, every man, woman and child who cries out ‘Dear God, what is that thing we put in office?’ all while you lie there helplessly, will be burned in your eyes and echo in your perfect ears.”

“That is what ‘To the pain’ means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in sickness and misery forever, fighting for every single breath you will take for the rest of your unnatural life.”

“…I think you’re bluffing. You’re a hoax! You were made in a lab! I’ve been taking hydroxychloroquine every day! I don’t need a mask, I’ve got herd immunity!”

“It’s possible, fascist pig. I’m only lying here because you undermined all scientific research and your party lacked the strength to stand up to you and for the people they claimed to represent.”

“But then again, perhaps I’m not a hoax after all…”

“WEAR. YOUR. MASK.”

Emergency Donation Review Time Again!

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border, charity, detention centers, donation, emergency, families, family, funding, human rights, human rights violations, immigration, justice, movie review, save lives, stop fascism, stop injustice

One of my greatest fears, even before the events of 2016, was that one day my country would go the route of Germany in the 1930’s. In school we were told America was a land of freedom, equality and opportunity. Our teachers, comfortable in the routine of standard education, assured us it could never happen here.

But it’s happening right now.

Anyone who’s been on social media as of late has seen the stories of human rights violations at the border that recreate the concentration camp experience almost verbatim making the rounds, all of them perpetrated by those whose duty should be to protect and serve all people of this nation. George Takei is having flashbacks to his childhood in similar camps. The United Nations is actually trying to do something for once. It’s gone on record that the military is actively shutting out any attempts at press coverage because public outrage is the one thing that could shut down this whole operation immediately.

And guess who’s responsible for this nightmare scenario?

Like I told my parents, who both recently confessed they voted for the opposition because they thought the openly racist misogynist ableist homophobic xenophobic violence-encouraging war-mongering white supremacy-endorsing tax-dodging pussy-grabbing fake news-generating fast food-guzzling Russia-fraternizing blame-shifting North Korea-condoning wall-obsessed Twitter addict seemed more trustworthy than a woman with a slightly sketchy internet history, I’m taking the high road and not saying I told you so. As wrong as they were, please don’t hate on my folks. They’ve regretted it since, apologized, promised they would never doubt my political intuitions ever again, gave me some ice cream and a puppy and wished me good luck on my date with Chris Hemsworth that evening.

Okay, I may have exaggerated with the last two, but at least it’s not as bad as what the current administration has been pushing as “the truth”.

So you may be asking, “Shelf, what can I do? I’m just one person who can’t spare the time to rant at my senator or risk my safety by going to a protest or march. I just want to get my mind off of everything by reading funny movie reviews.” The good news is there’s plenty of charitable organizations working tirelessly to get as many detainees out of these awful conditions as possible. One of them is Fair Fight Bond Fund. They reunite them with their families and ensure they’re given their due process. It’s been proven that immigrants that are out of the cells and represented by a true lawyer have a substantially higher chance of winning their cases than those who are stuck in detention indefinitely. There’s also Freedom For Immigrants, Community Bond Project, LGBTQ Fund, Lawyers for Good Government, and Immigrant Families, all working towards the same goal of getting as many people out of these horrifying centers and to a safer place.

And that’s where you come in.

Donate anything, literally anything to this cause, and boom, movie review just for you of whatever you want that’s on The Shelf. That’s it. Even if it’s one fucking dollar. There’s no limit this time. And most of these organizations are tax-exempt. These people, these children, who are being starved and abused, more often than not to death, need whatever help they can get right now in any form, so who am I to hold anyone back from donating because they can’t give the price I arbitrarily demand in exchange for a reward?

However, if you care to donate $50, which by Fair Fight Bond Fund’s calculations is enough to free one person, then I will review a movie of your choice that isn’t on The Shelf. I do have my limits, of course, basically no porn or anything The Cinema Snob would recommend. Also it has to not be currently in theaters. But if it’s not on The Shelf then it’s fair game just this once.

And that’s it. Spread the word, please! Give multiple times if you’re able! And whatever you do, do NOT look away. As reprehensible as the truth is, we can’t afford to ignore it any longer. We…no, THEY deserve better.

February Review: The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938)

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1930's, action, Action-Adventure, adventure, archery, archery contest, arrows, Basil Rathbone, classic, classic Hollywood, England, Errol Flynn, giving to the poor, golden age of Hollywood, hero, heroes, Hollywood, justice, korngold, legend, medieval, merry men, movie review, myth, Nottingham, Olivia de Haviland, robbing from the rich, Robin Hood, Romance, Sherwood Forest, stopping tyranny and injustice, sword, sword fight, sword fighting, sword fights

Well, this has been an…interesting few months hasn’t it? 2016 refused to leave without taking a few more beloved stars with it, we saw a changing of the guard that has everyone either flocking to the church or the streets, heck, the last few weeks alone has thrown the world into such uncertainty and madness that I just want to lose myself in a bit of escapism that has nothing to do with what’s going on outside right now.

I’ve got it! Harry Potter! I love those movies. There’s nothing more magical and escapist than the tale of a boy who discovers he’s a wizard and goes to school and fights an evil power-mad sorcerer whose followers share his outspoken racism and Nazi-like methods of suppression…

Maybe a comedy is what I need. Something timeless and hilarious, like the Marx Brothers. Those guys are great! Their best movie is this one called Duck Soup where Groucho suddenly becomes president of an entire nation, puts a bunch of his crazy inept friends on his cabinet, and his loud mouth and ego plunges his country into a giant war…

You know, there’s a number of unappreciated animated gems I have on my Shelf, and one of them is Twice Upon a Time. Only recently released to DVD after years of petitioning from fans, it tells the tale of a mime and an Animorph with the voice of Garfield trying to stop a foulmouthed despotic little madman from turning the world into an inescapable bomb-ridden nightmare and OKAY THIS JOKE IS DONE.

The point is it’s been bloody difficult to find almost any form of entertainment that doesn’t feel touched by current events in any way. Many films that I usually enjoy in times of crisis have served as reminders of the world we’re living in now. Indiana Jones? Makes me wish that dealing with meddlesome Nazis was as simple as finding and opening the Ark of the Covenant. Star Wars? Hard to look at objectively now that my country has officially become the Empire. Disney? Bob Iger is on the council of a certain Oompa Loompa reject and is too afraid of losing profits if he stands up to his tangerine overlord.  I just…I just want something that can raise my spirits. Something other people in the film community and the public can get behind. A symbol.

Something that appeals to the best of us.

Something good.

Something decent.

Something pure.

Something…classic.

Huh. Good thing I already put the film’s name in the title.