To The Pain

Tags

chris sarandon, coronavirus, covid-19, drumpf, fight racism, fuck trump, humperdinck, humperdink, i couldn't resist, infected, justice, karma, let him suffer, pain, parody, positive, princess bride, quarantine, rob reiner, symptoms, the princess bride, to the pain, trump, trumperdinck, virus, westley, william goldman

“So, China virus -“

“I’m not Chinese, you racist, vomitous mass.”

“My experts say we’ll have a vaccine for you by the end of the year! To the death!”

“No. To the pain.”

“…I don’t think I’m familiar with that phrase.”

“I’ll explain, and I’ll use small words you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon”.

“That may be the first time in my life someone’s dared to insult me.”

“Then you haven’t been paying attention these past four years.”

“To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your sense of taste and smell. Then the aches creep in all over. Next an increasing fever alternating with chills.”

“And then I rinse and spit you out with some bleach. My advisors said telling the public that was a mistake but listening to them is a mistake I won’t duplicate tonight.”

“I wasn’t finished. Then comes the feeling of acute pneumonia. The next thing you lose will be the ability to breathe without a respirator.”

“And then I go blind and deaf, right? Let’s get on with it!”

“WRONG! Your eyes and ears you keep and I’ll tell you why – “

“So that every hacking cough and wheeze that erupts from your chest and slowly brings you closer to the same death you condemned 200,000 people to will be yours to cherish. Every former supporter who escapes your thrall, every person calling for your arrest, every human being victimized by your weaponized racism, every man, woman and child who cries out ‘Dear God, what is that thing we put in office?’ all while you lie there helplessly, will be burned in your eyes and echo in your perfect ears.”

“That is what ‘To the pain’ means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in sickness and misery forever, fighting for every single breath you will take for the rest of your unnatural life.”

“…I think you’re bluffing. You’re a hoax! You were made in a lab! I’ve been taking hydroxychloroquine every day! I don’t need a mask, I’ve got herd immunity!”

“It’s possible, fascist pig. I’m only lying here because you undermined all scientific research and your party lacked the strength to stand up to you and for the people they claimed to represent.”

“But then again, perhaps I’m not a hoax after all…”

“WEAR. YOUR. MASK.”