Your May Review Is…

Hey everyone.

Pardon me if I’m not entirely enthusiastic today. Apparently someone thought it was a good idea to tweet my thoughts on the Indians from last month’s review of Peter Pan to Donald Trump, and now he’s been bugging me for the past few weeks to join his cabinet. As such, I’ve been lying low somewhere that neither a millenial or one of his supporters would think to tread.

“I’m guessing either a library or a mosque.”

“HA! FINALLY FOUND YOU!”

What the – how?!

“Wherever Cynicism goes, we’re usually not far behind. That’s the power of the internet for you.”

And let me guess, you’re going to call me out on my opinions too?

“No! We’re here to stop you from accepting the position! We don’t need any more vile self-serving racists in the government than we do now!”

I DON’T EVEN WANT THE STINKING JOB!!

“But we’ve already circulated several petitions around the internet that are amassing signatures as we speak.”

Can’t you all just leave me in peace to announce this month’s review?

“All right, but as long as it’s not something controversial.”

Thank you. And now, your review for the month of May is…

What a glorious feeling…

There. Now I’m gonna assume you’ll find something completely superficial to harp on like the cast being all white, so if you’ll excuse me I’ll just skip ahead to next month’s suggestions –

“Actually, we’ve got nothing to complain about. This movie’s a goddamn classic. Good luck reviewing it.”

Oh…thank you. I’ll do my best.

“You’re welcome. We’ll be in touch the next time something controversial needs busting.”

Much obliged.

June is right around the corner, and about time too. Let’s do some spring cleaning by looking at a movie picked completely from random (…yeah I couldn’t think of a theme for this month. Sorry.)

• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

• Twice Upon a Time

• March of the Wooden Soldiers

• A Night at the Opera

• Into the Woods

• Clash of the Titans (1981)

• Much Ado About Nothing (1993 or 2011)

• Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Now you all know the rules: the movies listed above are only a sample of films you can vote for that are On The Shelf, you can only vote once (unless you make a charity donation, see below), and leave your vote either in the comments or emailing me at upontheshelfshow@gmail.com.

Donating $1 or more to charity gets you my sincere personal gratitude.
$5 or more will allow you to vote TWICE.
$20 or more will get a movie of your choice added to the Shelf.
And finally, $50 or more will get you a full movie review of YOUR choice.

The charities you can donate to are:
American Civil Liberties Union,
Amnesty International,
Covenant House,
Human Rights Campaign,
Ocean Conservancy,
or the Wildilife Conservation Film Festival.

It looks like this month could be fun…that is if a certain Twitter-loving orangutan troll will leave me alone so I can concentrate on writing.

“Bing bong! I gave the job to someone else. You snooze, you lose, Shelf.”

I SAID I DIDN’T FUCKING WANT…never mind. Dare I ask who’s the lucky stooge?

“He meets all the qualifications for my new cultural advisor – he’s rich, got my kind of moxie, and he’s plenty experienced in dealing with non-white people. Isn’t that right, Cal?”

“I prefer to be called ‘Monsieur Candie’, Mr. President.”

“Fair ’nuff, Cal.”

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Happy voting!